Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Wiki
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Speaker Dialogue
(Little Castle, Bathroom)
King Thistle AGH! Can someone fix this tap?!
Holly What's wrong, Daddy?
King Thistle I just want to have a bath, and the tap is dripping cold water on my toes.
Queen Thistle That tap's been dripping for ages.
Nanny Plum Shall I just fix it with magic?
King Thistle No, Nanny Plum!
Queen Thistle The last time you fixed a tap with magic, you flooded the whole kingdom.
Nanny Plum Oh yes, so I did.
Ben You need a plumber.
Queen Thistle Good idea, Ben. Let's call the elf plumber.

(Dials phone) Hello? Is that the elf plumber?

WOE (Phone) Yes, this is the elf plumber.
Queen Thistle (Phone) We've got a dripping tap.
WOE (Phone) Ah, taps can be tricky. I'll be right over.
Queen Thistle (Phone) Okay, thanks.
WOE (Phone) Goodbye.
Queen Thistle He'll be right over.
Nanny Plum The elf plumber is here, your Majesty.
King Thistle That was quick.
WOE Good day.
King Thistle But that's just the Wise Old Elf!
WOE I'll have you know I'm not just the Wise Old Elf. I'm also a fully qualified plumber.
King Thistle Oh good. Can you fix our tap?
WOE Yes.

Hmm, this is bad. Who put this tap in for you?

Nanny Plum You did.
WOE Ah, very good workmanship. You haven't been turning it on and off, have you?
King Thistle A bit, yes.
Queen Thistle When we use the bath.
WOE Ah, well. That's the trouble then.
Nanny Plum I was going to fix it with magic.
WOE No! You must never mix magic with plumbing.
King Thistle Well, can you mend it?
WOE Yes. Watch a master plumber at work. (kicks the bathtub)And that is how you fix a tap.
Queen Thistle Amazing!
WOE (tap continues dripping) Oh, dear.
King Thistle Can't you just kick it again?
WOE Ho ho ho! A nice idea, your Majesty. But I didn't take 3 years of plumbing school to just kick things. That pipe will have to come out.
Queen Thistle The whole pipe?
WOE I'm afraid so. It'll need digging out.
King Thistle Fine! Do whatever it takes. Just get it fixed.
WOE Um, this might be a good time to get out of the bath, your Majesty.
King Thistle Oh, right-o.
WOE Everyone stand clear!
(Little Castle, Outside the bathroom)
Queen Thistle (Phone rings) Hello?
Queen Marigold (Phone) Darling sister, how are you?
Queen Thistle (Whispering) It's my sister, Queen Marigold!
King Thistle (Whispering) Oh no!
Queen Marigold (Phone) Great news, we've just had our castle re-built and we want you to come and see it.
Queen Thistle (Whispering) They want us to go and see their 're-built castle'.
Nanny Plum (Whispering) Oh no! A visit to the snooty Marigolds.
Holly Do we have to go?
King Thistle I'll handle this.

(Phone) King Thistle speaking. I hear you've had your castle re-built.

Queen Marigold (Phone) Oh, it's very modern. All open-plan, don't you know. Lots of space and air. Not like your stuffy old castle.
King Thistle (Phone) Well, someone's doing up our castle too. He's very good.
Queen Marigold They're having their little castle done up.
King Marigold Oh! We simply must go and see.
Queen Marigold (Phone) We;ll be right over, darlings. Toodle-pip.
King Thistle There's good news and bad news.
Queen Thistle What's the good news?
King Thistle Actually, it's just bad news. The Marigolds are coming here!
Everyone Oh no!
King Thistle It gets worse! I told them someone was doing up the castle for us!
WOE Oh, yes? Who's that then?
King Thistle You!
WOE Oh.
Queen Thistle It's always the same with the Marigolds. They're just coming over to laugh at us.
King Thistle Oh, well. I'm sure the Wise Old Elf can do something to make our castle a bit better.
WOE Yes! I've got a few ideas already. We can put in plastic windows and add a few garden gnomes.
King Thistle No no no! It needs to be super modern.
WOE I can do super modern. Concrete, glass; even taps that don't drip.
King Thistle That's more like it.
(Little Castle, Courtyard)
WOE Give me a year and I'll turn this castle into a palace.
King Thistle But the Marigolds are coming today!
WOE Oh.
Queen Thistle And they're expecting a modern, open-plan castle...
WOE Don't worry, Queen Thistle. I can re-build your castle.
Holly And we can help!
Ben Yes!
King Thistle Darling, why don't you go out for a nice walk and leave it with us?
Queen Thistle Why do I have to go away?
King Thistle Well, it's like one of those shows you see on the telly where you go away and they do your house up in a day, and when you come back it's lovely.
Queen Thistle Oh, I see. That sounds nice. Bye!
WOE Bye! When you come back, you won't recognize the place.
(Little Castle, Living room)
King Thistle Right, what's the plan?
WOE Hmm, it's a big job.
King Thistle Can we get it done by tonight?
WOE Maybe. If we bodge it.
Holly What does 'bodge it' mean?
WOE It's just a term we use in the building trade.
Holly Oh.
WOE Right, this wall has got to come out for a start. (Smashes a hole in the wall)
King Thistle I suppose you know what you're doing?
WOE Don't worry. I always get the building inspector to check my work.
Holly Who's the building inspector?
WOE Me. (Removes hard hat to reveal a building inspector hat)
King Thistle But how can you inspect your own work?
WOE Oh I'm very strict. Hmm, let me see now. Having some work done, are you?
King Thistle Uh... yes?
WOE Dear oh dear. Who did this for you?
King Thistle You did!
WOE It's very bad work. Very, very bad work.

(Puts hard hat back on) You see, when I'm the building inspector, I'm very strict.

King Thistle Yes, you said your own work was rubbish.
WOE Which means it'll all have to be re-done. This is going to be a much bigger job than I thought.

(Dials phone) Calling all elves! I'll be needing the elf truck, the elf digger, and the elf crane.

(Outside the Little Castle)
Mr Elf Hello Wise Old Elf. What's the job?
WOE We need to take all this away.
Mr Elf ...All what?
WOE All of the castle.
Mr Elf Really?
WOE Yes, we're going to re-build it from scratch.
Mr Elf Right-o. Come on lads, let's get cracking.
(Little Castle, Restroom)
King Thistle Goodness! What a lot of noise.
WOE (From outside) Take it away!
(Outside, Little Castle taken away)
Elf Worker Afternoon, your Majesty.
King Thistle (Embarrassed) Ah, yes, um. Carry on.
WOE That's everything, lads. Off you go.
Holly Daddy! They've taken the whole castle away.
King Thistle This is a disaster!
Queen Thistle (From a-far) Coo-ee!
Holly Oh no! It's Mummy!
Queen Thistle Can I take a look now?
Holly Uh... only if you close your eyes.
Queen Thistle Oh, this is fun! Just like those shows on the telly.

Can I open my eyes now?

King Thistle I wouldn't.
Queen Thistle Tell me when I can.
King Thistle Uh, in about a month.
Queen Thistle (Brief period of silence)

AHH! Where's our home gone?!

King Thistle Uh, well...
Queen Thistle What do you think the Marigolds will say when they see this?

They'll laugh and laugh and laugh! (Sobs)

Holly Oh no! The Marigolds are here!
Queen Marigold Hello darling sister. Oh, my word.
King Marigold Oh, I say.
Queen Thistle it isn't quite how we expected it to be.
Queen Marigold I don't know what to say.
WOE It's, uh, not finished yet.
Queen Marigold It's incredible!
King Marigold Amazing!
Queen Marigold We went for high ceilings, you went for no ceilings at all.
King Marigold And look at the toilet!
Queen Marigold Yes! Completely open-plan. It's so adventurous.
King Thistle Well it was all mostly my idea.
King Marigold King Thistle, old boy, you're a born architect!
Queen Marigold Have you considered teaching architecture?
King Thistle Oh, I don't know.
King Marigold We must do this with our castle. Come on darling, no time to lose!
Queen Marigold Sorry, we can't stay.
King Marigold Bye!
Everyone Bye!
King Thistle Well that wasn't so bad, was it?
Nanny Plum Only because the Marigolds are completely bonkers.
Queen Thistle (Sobs) I want my home back!
King Thistle Nanny, magic the castle back please.
Nanny Plum Okay, but it'll have to be a very big spell.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, BLOW WIND BLOW! BACK AS IT WAS, HOME SWEET HOME!

Queen Thistle Ah, that's better. My home is back.
(Little Castle, Bathroom)
Holly It's just how it was before.
Nanny Plum It's better than it was before.
WOE How?
Nanny Plum All that magic I used, has also fixed the tap!
King Thistle Oh, well done Nanny.
WOE I have to say, I'm impressed. Not one drip. Let's turn it on.
Holly Hehe! There's a fountain coming out of the toilet!
Ben There's a waterfall coming out of the sink!
King Thistle And rain coming out of the ceiling!
Nanny Plum Oh dear. Maybe I shouldn't have done such a big spell.
WOE Like I said, you must never mix magic and plumbing.
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